I WON’T DIE ON THIS HILL TODAY

The NFL has completed week two of their schedule for the 2009-2010 season. Being from Chicago I should be very happy that the Bears are 1-1 after two weeks of the season. A year ago the Bears opened their season against the Indianapolis Colts on the road. During that day I was very happy and looking forward to being able to watch the game since it was on national TV. I ended up listing to the game in my car at the local Target parking lot. My world came down that evening and the game was secondary. I wanted truly for my marriage to work, even during the counseling sessions and feeling that this is going to make our marriage work. That night it was over. I was going to be a statistic that I did not want to be, divorced.

I think about that saying of “Time heals all wounds.” There is still a wound there however as low as I felt and going to a very dark place several times over, I can honestly say I feel happy a year later. The steps were not easy but the support of family, friends, and knowing the importance of being a father is how I got through my day. The feeling of somebody not wanting to love me and giving up on our family hurt to the point of going down a path where there was no turning back was the only option I could think of. I had to really dig deep down to find some light on the situation. To make my own personal problems even worse was that I was about to be laid off from the project I was on. However a few weeks later a new project would happen. I would need to be traveling for a job that did not include the ability to fly back to Colorado to see my son at all even on the weekends. The project was a six week HELL except one very bright light. Knowing I was going to be working with a very good (some times quirky but who isn’t) friend Jonathan, who was my life savor.

The healing process was not immediate at all since this was less then a month into the divorce process. Jonathan kept me “focused” on staying out of the dark places in my head and helping me stay engaged on the little things in life. He is also a great mentor. Jonathan was always teaching me things such as placing an instant rice bag (normally you would microwave this) on top of a car on a sunny day can heat it up. I do not recommend this at all but you had to be there. Jonathan would not let me die on any hill during our time plotting through the Midwest. With his kindness and humor I was able to endure bad hotels with long working hours. Sometimes I do think if I would still be on this Earth and the sad truth to the matter is no.

Today here in Sacramento it is another beautiful day. I am working with a great group of guys and the project was extended. If had I taken the easy way out I would not have this new opportunity to share my life with you and more importantly my son who I credit with keeping me on this planet. To go from desperation to today was not easy but it can be done!! Stay motivated at the gym by setting small goals. Join a group like Toastmasters. Write your feelings down. Lastly the most important lesson I learned through all of this was to seek help. I kept working with the marriage councilor as my therapist. That way I did not start all over with someone new, they already knew the history so a shout out to Daryl Gedney. She is brilliant and very thought provoking. My Colorado friends let me know if you want her number.

Life is good and yes it has its ups and downs. However there is one certain in my life and that is. I WON’T DIE ON THIS HILL TODAY!